


What if?

by Dorktapus42



Series: S'Sides Shorts! [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: I literally looked at the video and copied down 3/4ths of the script, Other, This is basically a slight rewrite of Can Lying be Bad?, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-12 20:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16003130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorktapus42/pseuds/Dorktapus42
Summary: What if Deceit hadn't imitated Patton?What would have happened?





	1. The Stage is Set

“What is up everybody?! I hope the year has gone well for you so far. Mine has been nice. So far. Up until I messed everything up?!”

Patton appeared. “Oh, no kiddo, what happened?”

“What happened? Well, for lack of better words…”

“He was a bad friend.” Virgil appeared in his usual spot.

“Would you stop saying that?”

“What? It’s true-”

“The situation was highly complicated-”

“I tried to course-correct but you wouldn’t let me-”

“There were many factors at stake-”

“Whatever, you know you screwed it up-”

“You always do this!”

“Guys-GUYS! Settle down, please!”

“Guess who has two thumbs and is very confused?” Patton pointed to himself. “So seriously, what happened?” 

“I’m sure that Joan was just as confused as you are when they saw that Thomas’s reserved seat was empty.”

“JUST LET IT GO CHARLIE FROWN!” Roman crossed his arms. “I’m sorry I called you Charlie Frown. It’s just that this senseless bickering never gets us anywhere!”  
Logan appeared. “On the contrary- bickering amidst ourselves has resolved… all of Thomas’s problems. Provided you have me there to… cut through the stupidity.”

“Logan! Here to join the conversation kiddo?”

“Yes. Obviously.” Logan adjusted his glasses. 

“And to keep Patton from being confused all day, I suppose I can tell you what happened.” Virgil glanced at Logan as if to say that he wasn’t doing his job. Logan paid no attention, adjusting his tie. 

“Oh, Logan! You changed your tie!” Logan looked up at Patton’s statement. 

“Oh, yes. I couldn’t find my other one so I had to revert back to my original.” 

“Back to the topic, Tomas was being a slacker at home like usual and forgetting that just a little while ago he had told his best friend Joan that he would attend a staged reading of a play that Joan had worked so very hard on.”

Patton’s face fell. “You forgot kiddo?” 

“I mean- basically.” Thomas rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. 

“In his downtime before the reading was to take place, Thomas was invited to hang out with this particularly dashing fellow- which is a unique happenstance, let me tell you. And Thomas, sweet Thomas… INNOCENTLY acquiesced.”

“Yeah…”

“Well you shouldn’t have any problem explaining that to them! It was an honest mistake!”

“BUT! Midway through hanging out with this dude, Thomas remembered where he was supposed to be. Supporting his best friend Joan! We could have shown up during the intermission!”

“As you can see, my anxiety started kicking in. But my hopes as dreams had something else to say.”

“This fella was SO FLIPPING CUTE! He could have been the prince of your dreams, other than this prince… of your dreams. It was worth it to stick around. Besides, you had already missed the first act by that point. It was already too late!”

“And so they continued to fight for the whole rest of the night… and I never went to go and support Joan!” Thomas was biting his fingernails in worry. 

“But kiddo- would they have only wanted you there for half of the show? It wouldn’t have nearly been as fun!”

“I don’t know Patton! It’s just… being there for the sake of supporting them! And-and-and this morning! This morning they sent one text. ‘Where were you last night…. F word face?’ LOOK!” 

He gestured around with the phone so much it was almost impossible to see. Patton gasped. 

“I mean what do I say! The truth is honestly so… bad.”

“Well the only thing other than the truth is to lie Thomas, and we don’t want to do that either!”

“Wait- is that what you are suggesting?” Logan looked up as if that was the entire thing he got from this interaction. 

“Maybe…”

“But lying is wrong Thomas! Patton, get in with me here. It could hurt the people closest to you- make them hate you!”

“But what would you call all of the acting and performances he’s ever done in his life then, hmm? That was all acting, in a way, and that wasn’t so bad!” 

“Jeeze.”

“Well yeah, I mean I wouldn’t want to say anything too ridiculous but... I-I mean it’s Joan! I don’t think I could bring myself to lie to them!” 

“I mean, kiddo, this is a hard choice here. Sparing your friend’s feelings, or honesty?”

“Ah, yes- that’s called Moral Particularism. But what about Immanuel Kant, a german philosopher who believed that you should never lie, no matter what? To lie to someone would be putting their ends below yours, and that isn’t very fair.”

“Listening Roman?” Virgil sent ROman a side-eye.

“Well there goes the acting profession! I mean, never lying at all?!”

Logan waved his hand. “Well there’s the thing. A dilemma was presented to Kant by a French philosopher, Benjamin Constant. Essentially it was: If a known murderer came to your house, asking where someone close to you was so they could kill them, what would you do?”

“No! Not Joan! Never! JOOAAAANNN!” Thomas threw his arms in the air as he cried his almost what seemed to be a war cry.

“No, they’re his friends!”

“Well Kant responded with a yes. You should still tell them the truth. He believed that you were not responsible for the actions of the murderer, and that you should just keep your hands clean.”

“Oof.”

“Yeah, doesn’t sound great, huh Virge?”

Virgil glared at him. He continued.

“I have to say Logan- I’m impressed at what you knew about that. You really defended my case there. Thank you!”

“Impressed isn’t the word I’d use.” Virgil crossed his arms and sent a glare at the Logical Side, causing him to shift back a step with a nervous swallow. 

“The point is that many people think that Kant is a bit idealistic.”

“ThE DeATh oF mY FRIenD is NOt iDEaL!” Thomas said, voice cracking. 

“So you think Kant is wrong Thomas?”

“Well, yeah!” 

“Therefore, it’s okay to bend the truth whenever it’s appropriate!”

“And totally okay to violate the trust of your closest friend.”

“Oh don’t be dramatic. That’s my job. Lying could mean the BEST of both WORLDS! So Joan won’t feel low because we weren’t at their show!” 

“Okay, but I just don’t know if I can lie to Joan.”

“Of course you can. Just speak as you normally would but you communicate an untruth.” 

“No- I- I understand I can functionally lie. I just don’t know if I can lit to Joan without feeling like a big jerk.” 

Roman shifted to Joan. “Well maybe you just need some practice!”

"AHH! JOAN!"

“Sorry- still me- still Prince Roman- I just thought we could try out lying to Joan to see how it feels! I mean- what the heck did we establish this whole shape-shifting thing for is we’re never going to use it?”

Patton looked uncomfortable. “I don’t-”

“Roman-”

“That is a functional plan.”

“No! You’re not Joan! I don’t know how they would react! That’s just a punishment!” Thomas grimaced.

“Well if you’re considering lying to Joan maybe you deserve to be punished.”

Thomas groaned at Virgil. 

“Uh- kiddos-”

“Patton, please- the adults are talking. If we are discussing lying to Joan with success we need a strategy.”

“Can you please stop phrasing it that way?!”

“That is literally what is happening here Thomas, deal with it. Why don’t we model a few strategies, yes? We’ve got a Joan replica here, so all we have to do is set the stage.” 

“The! That’s it! No wait- Stage! That’s it!”

“What’s it?” Virgil looked guarded as he looked between Logan, Roman, and Patton. 

“All the world’s a stage, Thomas! So if lying really is no more than acting, then we shall play the part.” 

“Uh-”

Before anyone could do anything they disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and have a great day!


	2. Action!

They reappeared on a massive stage. Virgil walked over to Roman. 

“Why would we do something like this? Patton doesn’t want to, Thomas is miserable-” He hissed.

“As Roman would say Virgil, the show must go on. Places please.” Logan walked past them and towards the seating area. 

“What are our roles kiddo?”

“Patton-”

“What are our roles?”

“Okay- okay. Welcome to the Mind Palace Theatre Thomas! Tonight I bring you a play in four acts!”

“Four? That seems excessive-”

“Just go with it. Please. But! Let’s not forget who is making all of this possible! Virgil! Our awesome hardworking techie, our utterly delightful go-between for the operation of the lights, the set, the costumes, the props, the actors-”

“So many things?”

“Patton our fantastic audience, and Logan our amazing-”

“Director.”

“What? No! I’m the actor, director and writer! I’m basically Orson Welles!”

“You know it will run effectively if I am the director. Besides- you already have this play written, so who needs a Dramaturg? I’ll be in a much better place, trust me.”

“Fine! You can be director. Act one!”

Virgil went over and raised the curtain. Logan sat next to Patton in the audience seats. 

“Thomas!!!!!”

Thomas jolted from the seat he’d been teleported to sit in. 

“It’s Mother’s Day and I’m wondering where my little gifty-wifty is from my dearing-darling delight! Emphasis on the light because you’re very bright.”

Thomas just stood there. “Uh- I have several questions here. Are you my mummy?”

Virgil looked over. “Doctor Who reference? Fantastic.” 

“Why are you playing her like that? You know my mom. You know her.”

“It’s a hypothetical situation Thomas, just go along with it.” Logan called from where he sat beside Patton, who looked slightly uncomfortable. 

“Fine.”

“Thomas!!! Did you get me a gift for my third favourite holiday, my first being Groundhog’s day, and second being my birthday?”

“Uhh… did I get her a gift?” 

“No.”

“I didn’t.”

“WHAT?!”

“Uh- sorry-”

“YOU DON’T LOVE ME!”

“No- that’s-”

“SHUT UP! You were a mistake and I hereby disown you as my son!” 

“And scene! Roman, that was a perfect portrayal of a mother betrayed by her son!”

“Really?” Virgil, Patton, and Thomas said at the same time.

“Omigosh thank you, thank you so much! I was afraid I went a little too method with it?” 

“No, it was perfect. Thomas? Your approach to the character needed some work.”

“Logan-”

“I mean it certainly could have gone better.”

“But that isn’t actually what would happen-”

“All right. Let’s run it again from the top with more feeling this time.” 

Roman saluted and went off stage, mumbling something under his breath.

“What was that Roman?”

He poked his head out. “Nothing! Just rehearsing lines!” 

“Good. Carry on!”

“Ooh! How I adore Mother’s day! It’s the finest day in May! Oh, my beautiful son! I did not see you there! Have you come bearing Mother’s Day gifts?”

He reached out and touched Thomas’s cheek, leaving him confused. “Oh- um… Agh! Darn! Um- I was on my way here… to get you your gift, but uh- it got lost.”

“Oh, goodness, how?”

Thomas racked his brain. “Uh- uh… ooh! Uh- a homeless lady… um… ate it.”

“What?” Virgil looked surprised and slightly disgusted. 

“What?! Why?”

“I uh... left it on a free food counter like a doofus, and uh, she mistook it for a free food sample and ate it.”

“Oh, poor thing! Was she hungry?” 

“Very hungry! That’s why I bought her lunch! We exchanged information, and she told me she would call me on a payphone whe the gift later… um… resurfaces.”

“What the-”

“No thank you then! I don’t want it anymore. But! It’s the thought that counts.” He kissed Thomas’s cheek. “I love you.”

“And SCENE! Brilliant!”

“Really?” Virgil said, while Patton and Thomas just looked uncomfortable. 

“That was a series of lies of commission, when the liar tell the subject a lie without any semblance of truth at all. Presenting fiction as fact.”

“Fiction! Like a heartwarming fairy tale!”

“Yeah kiddo! And if your mother still wanted the gift, you at least bought yourself some time! But if we go that route we should make time to actually feed the homeless later….”

“Totally. And Virgil, you spared your mom’s feelings! Nobody got hurt!” Logan called out.

“Silver lining…” Thomas looked at the ground.

“But what if his mom later found out that he lied?!” Virgil said from his spot backstage.

“Well, based on Roman’s characterization, some kind of disownment would happen.”

“WHAT?!”

“ACT TWO!”

“Gosh darnit Sanders! Where were you for your Sunday shift?!” Roman came running out in a suit with a fake cigar. 

“What’s going on here?”

“I’M YOUR BOSS!!!”

“No- I mean what is this scene? What is happening?”

“You lied to get off of work this past Sunday.”

“Wait- he already lied? He doesn’t get a choice?” Virgil called out.

“Quiet on set!” Logan called, frowning slightly.

“No, that’s in the past…” Roman drawled. 

“You did it because your boyfriend really wanted to spend time with you.” Logan flipped through a script.

“Boyfriend? What boyfriend? How many lies are we telling here?!” Patton rubbed the sleeves of his hoodie to his face, obviously put off by the situation. 

“ACTION!”

“Sanders! Where were ya on Sunday? We were slammed because you weren’t there! I’m gonna start calling you Thomas Slam-ders!”

“Boo!” Virgil called from the fly system. 

“Hay Mr. Doodooface-McGee, which is your actual legal surname!”

“No-”

“Yes and- I should really come clean. My boyfriend wanted to spend more time with me, so I lied in order to have a free day to share with him.”

“WHAT?! You’re lazy and your gay! You’re fired!”

“Scen-”

“What the heck dude?!” Virgil popped up on stage, pissed.

“You don’t know if your boss is a homophobe.” Roman took a half step back, gesturing with the cigar.

“We wouldn’t have wanted to work there anyway! He would have quit long before that!”

“Noted Virgil. Let’s run it again from the top, except this time the boss isn’t a homophobe.”

“Not? Awesome.” 

Virgil growled and disappeared backstage. 

“And Thomas? Try not to get fired.”

“Where were ya on Sunday Thomas? You better have a good excuse, or I’ll fire you...” 

Thomas straightened up and put a finger to Roman’s chest. “Look Mr. Doodooface. I have worked here, at this job, selling hot Topic merch-”

“No-”

“Yes and-”

“Nice.”

“For FOUR years now! You know that if I miss a day of work, it’s probably for a valid reason.”

“Hm. Good for you Sanders! Looks like you finally grew a spine! I suppose you’re right. Just don’t make a habit out of it! Just like your weird habit of gluing your butt cheeks together.” 

“What?”

“YES AND-!” He walked offstage. 

“And Scene!” 

“Well done Thomas! I mean, I almost lost character because the LIGHTS were too BRIGHT!”

“ **I can only be so many places at once dude.** ” Virgil snapped through the mic. 

“Director, any notes?” Patton snipped. Logan cleared his throat. 

“Yes- that was called a character lie. You cover up the truth by talking about yourself to throw off suspicion. By relying solely on your reputation, you completely evade the issue.”

“Oh, cool.”

“Uh- would you like to say anything Pat-”

“ACT THREE!”

There was a bright light and Thomas stumbled back into a table, causing a vase to fall over. “AGh! WhY?!”

“BROOOOOOOOO! No effin’ way dude! Who broke this vase?!” ROman went over to look at the pieces then turned around. “Who broke this vase?!”

Thomas stood there awkwardly.

“Seriously guys! Everyone who’s here at my awesome party… this huge crowd of people that are definitely here right now... “

Virgil mumbled something that was lost in the music. 

“-Somebody broke my Grandma’s vase! And that was the last thing she gave to me before she died!”

Logan made a look of excitement. Patton looked faintly nauseous. 

“I swear to all things football and/or skateboarding that I will find you. Don’t make me cry these incredibly manly tears-!”

There was silence from all parties. 

“Anyone can speak up here, and be a part of this scene. Especially those of us who aren’t imagined, and are actually here on the stage.” Roman brushed some of the wig out of his eyes. 

Virgil sighed at that point.

“Like, not the people who are imagined to be here through means of suspension of disbelief.”

There was a tense silence. 

“Very well, I shall continue searching for the culprit in the next room!” He walked off stage. “Stephanie, you wanna bake some cookies?”

“And scene.”

“Thomas, what was that?!”

“I don’t know-”

“I was giving you acting GOLD and you were giving me NOTHING! Was it because I didn’t use the red solo cup, I mean, I thought it was cliche but if it took you out of the moment-”

“Actually that was a lie of omission. Simply… ‘giving you nothing’ was withholding valuable information that would have led to his capture.”

“Ughh….”

“Something wrong Moron Welles?” Virgil snarked.

“I don’t know, it’s just, you know, maybe some of the sceneplay is making me feel a little icky.” 

“Wh- I thought you were fine with all of this!”

“I! Am! I’m just- I was thinking about Patton! All of this definitely has to be a little bit strenuous on him, isn’t that right Patton?”

“Maybe we should just go home-”

“Go home? Yes! Go home! This whole night has just been a fiasco- it’s curtains for sure!” 

“Curtains?” Virgil started pulling down the curtain. 

They ended up in the living room once more. 

  
  



	3. The Inner Workings

Roman sighed. “Well… all’s well that ends well I suppose.”

“That did not end well.”

“Could you like not? Like- rub it in?”

“You okay Patton?” 

Patton just shook his head, hand over his mouth and looking rather green. 

“I’m sure he’s fine. Thomas-”

“Logan, you aren’t acting like yourself.”

“Nonsense, I’m perfectly fine.”

“I- I can’t lie to them. I just can’t-”

“Yes you can.”

“Logan-”

“Thomas! I know this might sound illogical, but sometimes, lying is what is needed!”

“But you-”

“I know! It doesn’t matter. In this case, it is the best thing to do, period.”

“Logan, no-”

“YES!”

“You’re wrong on this one buddy. I appreciate that you’ve all helped me to get here but I need to own up to my mistakes. I… let him down. I need to tell him the truth here, and it might hurt to do that.”

Logan went from 100 to zero quickly, not acting like himself at all. “Wow Thomas, I’m so proud of you. You’re so mature.~” HE clapped his hands in a parody of praise.

“Thank... you?”

“I knew something smelled fishy here.” Virgil growled at the Side. 

Roman looked confused. “I know we told Thomas to take the trash out but-”

“Not like that Roman. I’m talking about-”

“Oh, oh, oh. You mean that-” His hand fell over his mouth and he was silenced. 

Patton jumped back. “You- why?”

“I don’t get- what is going on?!”

“You make me sick.” The normally peppy side spat. 

“Thomas- there are sides to everyone that they’d rather not know about. But you’re the boss Thomas.Anything you want to know, you can know. You just… have to be open to hearing it.”

“In other words, would you like to learn something about yourself champ?”

Roman nodded like crazy behind his hand. 

“I don’t... know…” 

“I don’t know either Thomas. You might not like what you find.~” ‘Logan’ smirked. 

“Alright- tell me!” Thomas said, determined.

Roman pulled his hand off of his mouth. “DECEIT!” He pointed towards ‘Logan’.

Thomas turned towards who had once been disguised as Logan and fell backwards, almost crashing into Patton. “What-! Deceit?”

“Who’s she? Never heard of her?~”

“Ugh. I hate this guy and his creepy snake face! Begone foul creature!”

“Yes, like I’d totally be leaving just from the words of a fake prince.” Deceit examined his gloves as Roman made offended princey noises. “And Virgil, I adore the new eyeshadow. It totally doesn’t make you look like a ACK-!”

 

-CRACK!-

 

The sound of a smack filled the air and Deceit staggered back from the force of a full out Patton bitch-slap. 

“ _ Get away from my family. _ ” Patton’s voice was the coldest they had ever seen from the normally warm and fluffy man. Deceit’s face blanched except for the red area where Patton had slapped him and he poofed away. Patton was breathing hard. Thomas’s jaw was agape, and Virgil looked at him with a newfound respect. 

“Did you just slap him?”

Patton stood up fully, adjusting his shirt. “Nobody messes with my family like that. LOGAN!”

Logan appeared with a book in his hands. “Yes? Was I late to something?”    


He stiffened as he was bombarded with hugs from the others, the book knocked out of his hands. Virgil looked over and rolled his eyes. 

“Nice to have you back Specks.”

“What did I miss?!”

Deceit appeared in Patton’s spot, ice on his cheek. “Nothing. You missed nothing.”

Patton froze and turned around, a death glare in his eyes. Deciet’s eyes widened and he disappeared. 

Thomas’s phone rang. He pulled it out. “It’s Joan- I’ll be back.” He went upstairs to his room, bypassing Virgil and ruffling his hair, causing the man to hiss. 

Logan just stood in the cuddle pile, confusion on his face. Virgil just tossed him his book with a shrug. “You’re probably not going to get out of that any time soon.” Logan opened his book back to where he was and set the back on top of Roman’s head, ruffling Patton’s head as he did so only to squeak as his hug got way too tight for his liking. 

“Pat- can’t- breathe-”

“Oh! Sorry!” Patton let go and gave him a smile. “It’s good to have you back Lo.”

“Well… I suppose it’s nice to be back as well.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to read some of my other shorts! Have a great day!


End file.
